


The Six Hearts of Dean Winchester

by MaybeBeans



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coda, Dean's Mind, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s14e09 The Spear, Sam Winchester Finds Out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-03 22:38:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17292725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaybeBeans/pseuds/MaybeBeans
Summary: When Sam and Cas enter Dean’s mind to try and save him from Alternate Michael, they discover that Dean’s hiding in a place Michael can’t reach him. In order to reach Dean, they must obtain the six pieces of his heart. But each piece is guarded, and Michael is still on the loose. On their quest through Dean’s psyche, Sam learns a few surprising things about his brother, and about Castiel.Post- Episode 14x09 The Spear. Based on the preview to 14x10 Nihilism.





	The Six Hearts of Dean Winchester

Sam stares at Cas in confusion, the two of them standing alone in the darkness inside Dean’s mind.

“Explain that again?” Sam asks, trying to wrap his mind around what Cas just told him.

“Dean is hiding inside his own mind.” Castiel explains. “Michael is everywhere, but there are pieces Michael cannot touch. If we bring those pieces together, we might be able to reach Dean.”

“Okay so what are these pieces and how can we find them?”

“The best analogy is that they’re pieces of his heart. And Dean’s psyche is guarding them so that Michael can’t reach them. There should be six but…” Cas sighs. “I don’t know how to reach them. And I don’t know how Dean’s guarding them; every human mind organizes these things differently.”

“Alright.” Sam’s not happy about not knowing what they’re walking into. But it’s not going to stop him. “Let’s start looking.”

“How? We don’t know how to find where they are.”

“We can’t just stand here. Maybe if we start looking we’ll get lucky, or maybe Dean wants us to find them and he’ll lead us to them.”

“It’s the best shot we’ve got.” Cas admits, and they start walking through the darkness. But eventually Sam notices a fog has started settling over them.

“Cas?” He knows any sort of development is a good sign; better than wandering through darkness forever anyway. But developments could also mean danger. It could mean Michael.

“It could be Michael… It could also be Dean reaching out to us.” He adds on more hopefully. Any development is a good development.

The fog grows denser and heavier, until Sam can barely see. He keeps walking, but more cautiously now, should he collide with something right in front of him that he can’t see.

Soon something becomes visible in front of them in the fog. A wooden door against a beige building. They get close enough to it to see a label on the door:

 

_Familial_

 

"So this is where Dean keeps the piece of his heart set aside for familial love?" Sam asks Cas, but it isn't really a question. And as such Cas doesn't provide an answer.

After clenching and un-clenching his hands a few times, Sam looks at Cas, who looks back at Sam and nods. Sam opens the door.

He’s not sure what he was expecting inside, but it wasn’t an office.

In front of them is a thin hallway, at the end is a reception desk, and the hallway opens up to a large office space. There are printers and office plants and chairs and desks and computers.

And more importantly, there are people milling about.

Sam can’t see all of them, but his eyes immediately latch onto Mary, and Bobby, and Ellen, Charlie, and Cas (another Cas, not the real-Cas standing next to him, and wow is that going to be confusing) and many others milling about in the office space.

At the reception desk with a huge smile, sits Jack.

Sam leans toward Cas and whispers, “Why is it an office?”

“We’re interacting with a very abstract part of Dean’s mind. It has to represent itself in a way we can comprehend and apparently an office space is its chosen form. It makes sense, given the nature of quantum entanglement in the human mind. I can draw a diagram.”

“Later.” Sam actually is interested, but they’re here on a mission. With that, Sam approaches the reception desk, Cas just a step behind him.

“Uh, Jack?”

“Hi, Sam.” Jack greets with his classic bright and innocent smile. “What can I help you with?”

“Uh, we’re looking for a piece of Dean’s heart.” Jack nods and reaches for a phone next to him, he begins dialing but continues talking to Sam as he does so.

“Michael came through a little while ago looking for it too.”

“You didn’t give it to him, right?”

“No, of course not. We’re here to protect it.” Sam knows he means that all the people in this office, Bobby, Mary, Cas, Charlie, Ellen, and more that he can’t see right now, are here to protect that piece of Dean’s heart. “I turned Michael away.”

“You’re protecting the heart, but you’re not turning us away when we seek to steal it?” Cas states with a question at the end. Jack finishes dialing and holds the phone to his ear but smiles up at Cas to continue speaking to him.

“I trust you both. But to give you the piece of Dean’s heart I have to run it by the boss.”

“The boss?” But just then Jack speaks into the phone.

“Sam and Cas are here and they want to talk to you about taking the heart…” they're met with silence as Jack listens to whomever’s on the other end. “Sure thing.” Jack hangs up the phone and smiles up at them. “He’ll be here in a minute.” He then seems to remember the question Sam asked just before he took to the phone. “Oh right, the boss. We’re all here to protect it but ultimately Dean’s put each piece into someone’s protection. Someone he trusts with it. The person he feels the most of that sort of love towards.” Okay, so the person Dean feels the most familial love toward.

It doesn’t take Sam long to figure out, and soon the person Sam assumes is the boss of this familial love office approaches and stands before them.

It’s himself and it’s really trippy.

“Hey Sam, Cas.” Psyche-Sam greets them.

“Hello, Sam.” Cas easily greets. As though he isn’t even fazed by this. He probably isn’t.

“Uh, hey.” Sam greets awkwardly.

Psyche-Sam looks between them expectantly. “You wanted to talk about taking the family heart?” Sam’s having a tough time focusing on having a conversation with himself. It’s like hearing a recording of your own voice only times 100.

Luckily for Sam, Cas takes up the burden of carrying the conversation. “Yes, we are trying to reach Dean and we need this part of his heart to do so. It’s our best chance of saving Dean from Michael.” Psyche-Sam looks between them, considering. He then turns his back on them, and Sam’s heart sinks.

But Psyche-Sam calls out to everyone in the office, “Hey, guys! Everyone okay with me giving Sam and Cas the heart? They need it to save Dean from Michael.” There’s some mumbling in the office. Most people nod and give Pysche-Sam thumbs ups.

Then speaks a voice Sam hasn’t heard in years. “I don’t know about that Cas fella.” Psyche-John Winchester pipes up from somewhere in the back of the office. Sam was already off kilter from interacting with himself, but now he has to hear his long-dead dad’s voice? He knows it’s just a part of Dean’s imagination or whatever, but it doesn’t sound any less real. His voice is filled with suspicion and distrust, disgruntled too. The only striking difference between this John and the real one is that the real one would never let Sam be in charge. Instead of suggesting to Sam that he’s not sure if he trusts Cas, he would outright tell Sam that they aren’t giving the heart to some stranger.

But now's not the time to dwell on old resentments.

“I trust him.” Psyche-Sam calls back. Psyche-John grumbles to himself. “He’s got Sam with him.” Psyche-Sam adds. That seems to placate Psyche-John enough and then everyone is in agreement. Psyche-Sam turns back toward Sam and Cas with a smile. “Follow me.” He tells them, before walking deeper into the office. Sam and Cas follow him to a room within the office, presumably Psyche-Sam’s. There’s a large, fancy desk and Psyche-Sam rounds it to a safe behind it. He positions himself so Sam and Cas can’t see the combination, and then he opens it.

He reaches inside and takes out a glass-like shard. It’s translucent, and has a pinkish-reddish color to it, but also glows faintly. It has an aura to it that Sam can’t describe, and that’s part of how he knows this is what they were looking for.

Psyche-Sam holds out the shard to Sam, but before handing it over tells him seriously, “I know I don’t have to tell you this, but keep it safe.” Sam nods and takes the shard.

“Thank you.”

 

 

“Dean trusts us greatly.” Cas tells Sam as they again walk through the mist. His voice is mostly matter-of-fact, but there’s also a great deal of emotion in it. Cas is touched.

But Sam’s not sure about Cas’s assessment. He just gave himself the heart, after all. “Seems more like I trust myself.”

“That wasn’t you in there, Sam. It takes your image and is influenced by how Dean perceives you, but ultimately, it is a manifestation of Dean’s psyche. And he decided to trust us with this.” They both look down at the shard in Sam’s hands.

When they look back up, another door stands in front of them.

 

_Friends_

 

Inside is another office, much like the other one.

Sam rolls his eyes. When Cas said they’d be going into Dean’s mind to talk to him Sam imagined something a bit more fantastical. He didn’t expect it would be running errands between different office buildings.

He’s not disappointed, per se. He’d obviously choose this mundanity over danger, and it’s odd enough seeing himself and others who are long dead. But still.

The layout and colors and furniture are different here than in the previous office. Whereas the other office had many wood tones, this one is a little bit more colorful and playful. And it isn’t just the décor and decorations, there are more people milling about, and the atmosphere is louder and more energetic.

Still, there’s a reception desk by the front, this time manned by Charlie.

Sam’s heart breaks a little bit. He’s only just started getting use to the new Charlie from the other universe. And this Charlie still isn’t their Charlie, but it’s as close as they can get working off of Dean’s memory of her.

“Look what the demodog dragged in.” Psyche-Charlie says to them as they approach her desk. Sam notices lots of different toys and knick-knacks littering it. A few figurines Sam recognizes from Dean’s movies. “What do you want?” She’s not as smiley as Jack, not as innocent. She’s even a little bit cold, perhaps Dean’s guilt about her death leaking through.

Sam frowns but forces himself to not focus on that right now. “We’re here for the friend heart.” Sam holds up the shard he already has. “We already got the family one, if that helps you trust us more.” Psyche-Charlie looks at the piece suspiciously.

“Right.” She says as she dials on her phone. “So I’m guessing you already got the whole spiel on the bosses around here?”

“Yeah… So you’re calling up Dean’s best friend?”

“Yupperoni.” Thank God. It’s gonna be Cas this time, and Sam’s happy he doesn’t have to speak to himself again. It really messed with his head and now he just gets to see Cas deal with it. Sam nudges Cas as Psyche-Charlie speaks on the phone, but he just looks back with a squint, confused about why Sam nudged him.

“This one’s gonna be you.” Sam explains, even though it’s obvious. Cas doesn’t look convinced.

But Sam doesn’t have to convince him, because soon Psyche-Cas approaches them from across the office.

Sam thought this would be less trippy than being face to face with himself, but this is actually way worse. At least the two Sam’s had been wearing different outfits. These two Castiel’s look exactly the same and Sam can see them both at once.

Psyche-Cas doesn’t exchange pleasantries. He gets right to it. “You want the heart.” He tells them.

“Yes.” Castiel says. Cas seems to think this whole talking-to-himself thing is completely normal. He doesn’t skip a beat. Maybe it’s not a big deal to him; this isn’t his true form anyway.

“Okay.” And then the shard falls from Psyche-Cas’s sleeve into his hand and he holds it out to Castiel.

“Wait.” Sam interrupts. “You’re supposed to be guarding this thing; that was way too easy.” Psyche-Castiel and Cas both tilt their hands slightly to the side and squint as Sam, and Sam tries really hard to only focus on one of them at a time or he’s gonna get a headache.

“Dean gives his friendship freely to the both of you. For anyone else I wouldn’t give the heart so willingly, and I certainly protect it from those who would do it harm.”

“Was Michael here?” Cas asks.

“Yep.” Psyche-Charlie pipes up from her desk. “And I told him to fuck off.”

“That’s true.” Psyche-Cas confirms for them. “He wouldn’t leave so Charlie called me and I also told him to ‘fuck off’.”

“That’s good.” Sam concedes. “You did good.”

“Now,” Psyche-Cas gets back to the topic at hand. “I’m assuming you wouldn’t be here for this heart unless it was for something very important so…” He holds out the shard again, and Cas takes it in his hand.

“Thank you, Dean.” Sam thinks it’s weird for Cas to talk to Dean by talking to something that looks like himself, but he gets it. It’s weird but he gets it.

Psyche-Cas nods and stands staring at them as they leave.

 

 

“So you said there were six of these places.”

“Yes.” Cas speaks into the mist. The two shards illuminating the area around them.

“Do you know what the other four are?”

“Romantic love, self-love, things he loves, and compassionate love; the love he feels toward strangers, people he’s obligated towards but not friends with.” Sam doesn’t know who would be the guardians of those places. Romantic is probably Lisa? But Dean hasn’t seen her in years. Still, she’s the person he’s loved most in that way, Sam thinks. Self-love must be Dean, right? And Sam has no idea what to expect from things and strangers. He knows he and Cas and Dean wouldn’t give Michael the heart pieces. But he doesn’t know about Lisa, or whoever’s in charge of objects and strangers. Hell, could the objects even stop Michael?

“Hopefully none of those gave their piece to Michael.” Sam voices his concern. Perhaps Cas knows more about this and will be able to reassure Sam of his worries.

“Yes, Michael seems to have visited all of these locations.” So much for any reassurance.

Out of the mist they approach another door.

 

_Things_

 

“How’s this going to work, Cas?”

“I don’t know.” Sam sighs. It might be weird but they’ve dealt with weird before.

“Only one way to find out.” Sam opens the door.

Inside is a disaster.

It’s vaguely recognizable as an office space. The walls and windows are all where they should be. But where desks had been in the other places, there are now towers of junk and things. The place is a mess, but there are still wide paths for walking where pathways would be in a regular office.

It takes a while for Sam to recognize the reception desk; it’s so covered in crap. There are burgers and fries and milkshakes all over it.

How on Earth are they supposed to communicate with objects to get the heart? Sam doesn’t know, but Cas strides forward toward the reception desk like he doesn’t see a problem.

Once they’re close to the reception desk, a nice TV sat behind it comes to life, the volume increases and Sam recognizes Dr. Sexy M.D. on the screen.

The screen plays a short scene, then continues repeating that same short scene.

A very attractive male patient lays on a hospital bed shirtless. Approaches a very attractive doctor, scrubs formfitting, looking at the patient with sad eyes.

The patient looks up at her and says, “What do you want?” Then the scene replays.

“It’s speaking to us.” Cas tells Sam before turning back to the screen.

“This is weird.”

“We’re here because we want the heart.” Cas tells the TV.

The tv switches to a different Doctor Sexy M.D. scene. This time, an attractive doctor with tears in her eyes sadly, but also angrily, says “Go to Hell.”

Well, that isn’t promising but it’s not like they’re just going to leave.

“Please,” Sam responds, “Could we maybe speak to the boss, or whatever?” The TV switches to an image of Dr. Sexy looking contemplative. Then the volume cranks up all the way and it hurts Sam’s ears as the scene switches to a doctor yelling into a phone, “come back to me!” Sam thinks this might be the show calling to the boss but he really isn’t sure. It could mean the piece is already gone? Sam really hopes it’s the prior.

From somewhere in the piles of junk, Sam hears the revving of a very familiar engine.

A massive smile comes to his face as he hears the Impala get closer, and then come to a fast stop just in front of them. It revs twice more before idling.

“Hey” Sam says giddily. This is weird and the situation is serious, but he can’t contain his absolute delight at this. “Good to see you.” He tells the car. It honks back quietly twice in response, which only causes Sam to smile wider. The Impala sits there idling, and Sam can almost tell it’s waiting for them to explain themselves. He doesn’t know how, he just feels it from the car. “We’re trying to collect all the different hearts so we can talk to Dean. Could we have the heart you have?”

The car sits, engine still working, thinking it over. Then the passenger door opens.

Sam walks around the door to look into the passenger seat. And as he looks at it, the glove compartment pops open to reveal the shard sitting inside. Sam smiles and reaches to take it. He pats the Impala’s roof.

“Thanks.”

A light in the Impala turns on, and Sam follows it to the initials he and Dean had carved into it, “S.W. and D.W.”

He pats baby one more time and then he and Cas leave the office.

 

 

Halfway through.

“Romantic, Self, and Strangers left.” Sam says, more to himself than to Cas. “Is there any reasoning to the order we’re going in?”

“We’re being led down this path by Dean’s sub-conscience. Perhaps he’s helping us avoid Michael?”

“…Maybe his sub-conscience is more reluctant to show us certain things. He’s always been closed off about himself, about romance.” Cas squints in confusion.

“Dean’s fairly open about pursuing women.”

“No, I mean, yeah he’s open about sex but not about romance, especially romantic love. Any time he’s had anything more serious than a hookup he’s all skittish about it.” Cas doesn’t seem to have any intention to respond. “It just seems like it’s been too easy so far, you know? Like these are supposed to be guarded but everyone’s given us the hearts basically right away. Maybe that’s because Dean’s getting the easy ones out of the way first.”

“You do have a point; I expected this to be much more difficult.”

They reach the next door.

 

_Compassion_

 

“That’s strangers and acquaintances.” Cas reminds him as they walk inside.

Gone is the junk covered office. Now they enter an extremely boring, nondescript place filled with different shades of beige and grey.

At the reception desk sits… Sam doesn’t remember his name. It’s one of the ghost facers. The one with the curly wild hair.

Sam feels a little bit guilty for not remembering his name, but they have more important things to worry about right now.

“Oh… You” the ghost facer says upon seeing Sam. He doesn’t seem to recognize Cas. “What do you want now?” He asks Sam.

“Heyyy…” Sam trails off when he remembers he doesn’t know the guy’s name, “there, dude.” He cringes at his poor save for forgetting the name. But he soldiers on. “We’re here about the heart. Can we speak to the manager, or the boss or whoever?” The ghost facer guy rolls his eyes but grabs his phone.

While he’s occupied with that Cas quietly tells Sam, “This is really interesting; in real life he’s met me before but Dean doesn’t know that, so this projection doesn’t recognize me.”

“Huh.” It doesn’t seem like important information, but it does help Sam more solidly grasp the idea that these people are just projections and not the real people. These people don’t exist outside of Dean’s idea of them.

Sam wishes he’d had this better understanding earlier when they saw their deceased loved ones.

The ghost facer hangs up the phone but doesn’t look at them or say anything.

“So-“ Sam prompts

“He’s coming.” The ghost facer tells him rudely, but Sam doesn't particularly care.

Sam looks around the office. He doesn’t know most of these people. He recognizes a few, probably people they saved in hunts (or didn’t save), but he doesn’t know their names for the most part. A few names he can pick out.

Sam stops breathing when he sees Jess.

Of all the people he expected to see while questing through Dean’s mind he hadn’t expected her.

She’s so young it’s painful. And it reminds Sam of just how long ago that was. How far they’ve come.

He was just a college kid; he was going to propose to Jess and start law school. And now he’s solidly back in the hunting life, fighting an archangel from a different universe who wants to restart the apocalypse. And he’s raising a Nephilim with his brother and their best friend, who’s also an angel.

Seeing her, there’s still a sadness and love there, but mostly he’s taken aback by how young she is and the passage of time between now and then.

He also has a moment in which he wonders why she’s in the office for strangers and acquaintances. And then he remembers that Dean only met Jess very briefly; Jess was never important to Dean the way she was to Sam.

They should have had time to get to know each other.

Sam’s pulled out of his thoughts by footsteps approaching and he turns toward them.

He’s met with Cas’s face.

No, that’s what he thinks at first but something’s a little bit different. It’s not Cas’s face. But he is looking at Cas.

“Hello, Jimmy.” Cas greets the man, standing in the same outfit as Cas minus the trench coat.

It’s the same body as Cas, but Jimmy inhabits it so differently. He stands in it so casually, so naturally, just a regular guy. His eyes are different, regular human eyes instead of Cas’s intense, penetrating ones.

Sam had of course noticed that Cas stood a bit straighter than most people, but until now, seeing them both at once, Sam hadn’t really realized how striking the difference is.

He also notices that Jimmy looks younger than Cas. Sam hadn't noticed it, but Cas has aged. Or his vessel has anyway. Sam's pretty sure angelic vessels aren't supposed to age, and he files that away to ask Cas about later.

Regardless, Jimmy and Cas have the same body, almost the same outfit, but Sam would never mistake them for each other for more than a few seconds.

Psyche-Jimmy doesn’t look at Sam; he’s focused on Castiel. And he doesn’t return Cas’s pleasantries. Only now does Sam look at Cas instead of at Psyche-Jimmy, and he wishes he didn’t.

The regret in Cas’s eyes is too much.

“Cas,” Sam interrupts, and Cas pulls his eyes away from Jimmy and to Sam, “that’s not actually Jimmy.”

“I know. But he is a reminder of what happened to him, to his family.”

“What do you want?” Psyche-Jimmy asks them, all the scratch present in Cas’s voice absent.

“We need the heart.” Cas tells him.

“And?” Psyche-Jimmy asks, looking like he has no plans to accommodate their wish.

“We request that you give it to us.”

“Why should I?”

“Because Dean is in danger, and we need the heart to help him.”

“Look,” Sam tells Psyche-Jimmy as he holds up his two heart shards. “We’ve already been given the family, friend, and object ones. You can trust us.”

“Can I though?” Psyche-Jimmy squints at Sam, but somehow in a way that’s different than when Cas does it. “I’m dead because of you two and Dean. Lots of others here are dead because of you three.” Just then, Sam catches a glimpse of Jess across the office and he swallows down the pain. “Do you know how much it hurts him, every time he gives this piece of his heart to someone and he fails them?” Sam thinks he does. He feels the same pain. Or at least he thinks he does. “Like he failed me?”

Cas turns to Sam. “The real Jimmy blames me and himself, not Dean. But we won’t be able to convince Dean’s sub-conscience of that.”

Psyche-Jimmy watches them impatiently. “So why should I trust you with the heart?”

Sam searches for words, as does Cas, and then Sam settles on all he can think of. “Because Dean always gives this piece of his heart. He gives it to strangers all the time, because he cares, even when it hurts. He would want you to give it to us.” Psyche-Jimmy doesn’t even think it over, he just walks away, leaving the two standing there.

The ghost facer looks uninterested.

“Now what?” Sam asks Cas. They’re not leaving or giving up, but he’s not sure how to convince Jimmy to help them.

But before Cas can answer, Psyche-Jimmy returns, shard in hand and tosses it to Cas.

“For the record, Sam, Dean doesn’t _always_ give this piece of his heart. Michael came by asking for it earlier. It’s technically a different Michael from the one who started our apocalypse and ruined my life, but” he shrugs, “all Michael’s are dicks.”

“Thank you, Jimmy.” Cas tells him with such sincerity that Sam feels like he’s intruding. Sam walks out of the office and waits for Cas on the other side of the door.

Cas takes a little bit of time before joining Sam and once again setting off into the mist.

 

 

“I think you’re right.” Cas tells Sam after a bout of silence. “I think Dean’s saving the more difficult ones for last.”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that romance and self are the last two. And that he started with family and friendship. Those ‘guardians’ were obviously going to be you and me. And he started with the friendliest receptionist.” Sam huffs a bit, thinking about the contrast between Jack’s smile and eagerness to explain the whole system versus the grumpy ghost facer and the Dr. Sexy M.D. show they had to figure out.

“He did seem to ease us into it. It would have been very confusing to start with the objects heart.”

“Yeah no kidding.” Sam smiles at that. He looks at Cas’s face, and can tell he’s thinking hard about something. “What?”

Cas switches between looking at Sam and looking forward a few times before answering. “It wasn’t obvious to me… That Dean considered me his best friend.” Sam briefly stops in his tracks, but remembers that they have to keep moving to reach the next place and continues walking alongside Cas.

“You’re kidding, right?” Sam asks Cas. No way did Cas actually not know he was Dean’s best friend. Cas doesn’t respond. “You seriously didn’t know?” And now that Sam sees how serious Cas is and thinks about it, it makes him sad. How could Cas not know?

“I thought perhaps it would be you or Charlie or Benny or-“

“Cas, you’re the best friend Dean’s ever had. I’m his brother and he loves me like crazy and we’re friends but it’s different than what you two have.”

“You don’t have to convince me, Sam; I saw Dean’s projection of me.”

“You shouldn’t have doubted in the first place. And you shouldn’t ever doubt that again.” Cas mulls this over for a long moment, and just when Sam thinks Cas isn’t going to say anything he speaks.

“Dean’s my best friend too.” And Sam already knew that, but maybe it’s the sincerity or innocence of how Cas says it, or maybe that Cas is a powerful ancient angel, but it makes Sam smile and feel like he’s stumbled upon something profound.

 

 

“Have we been walking for a really long time?” Sam asks Cas after the mist stretches on for what seems like a lot longer than last time.

“Yes.”

“Think it’s because Dean’s reluctant to show us these last two?”

“Perhaps…”

“What?”

“It could also be that he’s trying to protect us from Michael.”

“I prefer to think Dean’s just embarrassed about his crushes.” Cas chuckles lightly in agreement.

 

 

They walk for another long period of time, and it drags on long enough that Sam’s starting to get impatient.

“I swear to God, Dean, if you’re wasting our time because you’re shy about relationships, I’ll kill you the minute we get Michael out of you!” As if on cue, something becomes visible through the mist.

Unsurprisingly, it’s another door.

 

_Self_

 

Sam opens the door and immediately locks eyes on Dean sitting behind the reception desk. “Dean!” He begins to rush over but Cas grabs his arm to stop him.

“That’s not Dean. It’s Dean’s subconscious projection of himself.” Sam realizes Cas is right, but this Dean is pretty damn close.

“Sam? Cas?” Psyche-Dean says hopefully as he looks at them. He then stands up from his desk and runs over to them, first capturing Sam in a hug and then Cas. “Are you guys okay?”

“Yeah we’re okay, Dean.” Sam reassures him but Psyche-Dean doesn’t look convinced.

He explains, “Because you know, it’s my mind out there, which is scary enough.” The side of his mouth twitches up a bit in amusement, but quickly settles back to being more serious. “But Michael’s also on the loose.” Sam really hopes he didn’t come through here like he did with the other locations. Dean, even a fake projection of Dean, shouldn’t have to deal with that.

“Has he been through here?”

“No. He hasn’t found us yet.”

“Us?” But as Sam questions it, he finally looks away from Psyche-Dean at the rest of the office and sees variations of Dean at desks; one’s at the copier, one’s at the coffee machine, they’re all scattered about.

“It’s different versions of him, metaphorically and literally.” Cas explains.

And now when Sam looks more closely, he notices how they’re different. One is younger and still has Sam’s necklace. There’s Dean Smith in his suspenders. Sam also sees Dean, bearing the Mark of Cain, and Dean with black demon eyes. He isn’t sure which of those two scares him more.

He refocuses on the Psyche-Dean in front of him, which thankfully seems like a projection of their current Dean.

“Dean, we need the heart before Michael finds us.” Psyche-Dean shrinks away from Cas as he says it.

“You can trust us.” Sam tries to placate him.

“No.” Psyche-Dean tells them.

“Seriously, Dean!?” Sam should have known Dean would be difficult. “Michael’s after us.”

“Yeah and I won’t give him the heart either. If he can’t get all the hearts then I’m safe.”

“No you aren’t, you’re just trapped in your own head.” Dean shrugs like it’s no big deal. “Just let us help you!”

“I’m not going to do that.”

“He’s right.” Demon-Dean calls from the copier. “You’ve been trying to convince him for years to let go of this piece of his heart and he hasn’t. You really think you can convince him now? With one stupid conversation?” Demon-Dean laughs at them and goes about his business.

“What does he mean?” Sam asks Cas.

“Dean doesn’t love himself very much.” Cas practically rolls his eyes at that, but continues on to explain more in depth. “This piece is the love Dean feels for himself. And, well that Dean’s right.” Cas nods his head toward the demon version of Dean, who winks at them. “Dean hasn’t let himself use this piece of his heart. He won’t trust us with it; he doesn’t trust anyone with it… with loving him because he doesn’t think he deserves it.” Cas looks sadly at the many Deans in the room, then turns back to Sam. “He guards this piece of his heart ferociously.”

“So what do we do?”

“Well, the demon Dean is right. We’re not going to convince him to love himself in such a short period of time.”

“We can’t just take it from him, can we?”

“No, it’s impossible. Dean has to decide to-“ A sound comes from the door and immediately Psyche-Dean pushes them to the side. From there, the Dean with Sam’s necklace grabs Sam and Cas and motions for them to stay quiet, then quickly grabs both of them and throws them to crouch behind a desk clump so they can’t be seen from the main door.

Sam sits with them in silence, then they hear one of the Psyche-Dean’s say, “Piss off, Michael.”

“No.” From the voice, Sam can tell that Michael is inhabiting Dean’s body in here. Cas instinctively takes out his angel blade, but Psyche-Dean with the necklace motions for him to put it away and sit tight. Cas does so. “You will give me the heart, and you will give me Castiel.”

“Bite me.” There’s a commotion, the sounds of things falling over. Psyche-Dean with the amulet silently communicates with the other Dean’s in the room.

Then there are the sounds of sputtering, struggling; Michael must be holding Psyche-Dean up by his neck. “I can sense Castiel nearby. Which means he’s here and the heart is still here. So give them to me.”

“Not even that pretty face makes up for asking so rudely.”

“I wasn’t ASKING!” Michael yells, accompanied by a cacophony of sound: the high-pitched, near-deafening sound of true angelic voice; wood snapping; bone breaking; tornado speed wind blowing paper about and knocking over office plants, one of the Dean’s screaming.

At that moment Psyche-Dean with the necklace grabs them and drags them sprinting to the back of the office under the cover of distraction.

He opens a door and shoves Sam and Cas through it, staying outside himself.

The door automatically locks behind him.

Sam turns, trying to figure out where they’re to go next, but instead finds himself face to face with a small child.

With his heart breaking, Sam realizes it’s Dean as a kid. Jeez, he’s probably only four.

This child is clearly the guardian of this heart, the version of himself Dean feels the most love for. And it’s the Dean that was Sam’s older brother, but before the fire. Dean before John was ever disappointed in him. Dean when he didn’t know about monsters.

Jesus Christ, he’s only four.

And this small Dean looks at the wall in the direction of the noise happening outside, his eyes filled with fear and unshed tears.

“Hey, Dean shhhh.” Sam shushes him and gathers him into his arms.

He’s so small. He’s so incredibly small and Dad put all that responsibility on him. He was this small when he was put in charge of Sam’s safety, when Dad taught him how to load a shotgun with rock salt and a pistol with silver bullets. When he uprooted him from his life to travel across the country, killing and drinking and forgetting the possibility of a normal life.

He’s barely three feet tall and 40 pounds for Christ’s sake and their Dad treated him like a soldier.

He’d always known that Dean was four when all that responsibility was put on his shoulders, he knew Dean was too young, but it’s completely different actually seeing Dean at this age, feeling how small he is as he hugs him tight.

He can’t even feel hatred towards his father right now because all he can feel is his heart breaking for Dean.

“Shhhh it’s okay.” He’s talking more to himself now than to the child.

“Sam,” Sam looks up at Cas, and Cas looks like he hates that he’s interrupting but he has no choice. “We don’t have much time.” Sam nods. Michael is still raging outside.

“Dean?” Sam asks as he pulls back gently from the hug. Psyche-Dean looks up at him with open and trusting eyes. “Do you have one of these?” Sam pulls out one of the shards he has in his pocket. Psyche-Dean’s eyes roam over it and he pokes it, then nods. “Okay, could you please give it to us?” Psyche-Dean nods and makes his way over to a countertop at the side of the office, which Sam only now notices has an apple pie on it. Psyche-Dean stands on his toes to reach it, and carefully brings it down.

As he does so he tells Sam in such a little voice, “I really like this rock thing, Sammy. But I’ll do anything for you so you can have it.” Tears come to Sam’s eyes but he can’t get distracted with Michael right outside. “Just don’t lose it, okay?”

“I’ll keep is safe. I promise.” Sam tells him. And then Psyche-Dean reaches a little hand directly into the pie, and digs out an apple-goo covered heart shard. Which he hands to Sam delicately.

With a determined nod, Psyche-Dean tells him, “I won’t let the bad man hurt you.” He puts down the pie and crawls under his desk, which is much too big for him. He lifts a little piece of the carpet to reveal a trap door, which he opens to reveal a fireman’s pole leading down into mist. He smiles excitedly up at Sam and Cas. “It’s a secret passageway!” The cheer in his voice is so filled with childlike wonder, and Sam immediately recognizes the same tone that’s even still present in Dean’s voice occasionally, like when he told Sam the memory foam mattress remembers him, or when he got to fight the Hatchet Man.

Sam ushers Cas down the fire pole first. And hearing Michael outside, Sam automatically wants to take this young Dean with him to save him. But he knows this is just a projection of Dean’s mind, and taking him will not do anything and probably won’t even be possible.

“I’m sorry, Dean. You’re braver and stronger than all of us.” Sam gives him a last hug and then swings himself down the pole as Dean waves to him from above and then closes the trap door.

He lands in the mist nearby Cas, and the two take off running, hoping Michael won’t be able to follow them. Hopefully Dean will protect them in the mist.

As he runs, it occurs to Sam that four year old Dean gave them the heart so willingly, despite the other Dean’s protecting it so fiercely. Maybe it’s because Dean wasn’t always so unwilling to love himself.

It’s strange, Sam realizes after running probably half a mile. Maybe it’s because they only need one more piece of Dean’s heart, but he can actually feel Dean’s conflict in the mist. He can feel that Dean doesn’t want to show them the last location, but also that he’s desperate to protect them from Michael.

With Michael on their tails, the second outweighs the first easily now, because they arrive at the door much faster than it took them to get to the “Self” door.

 

_Romantic_

 

Sam thinks that they should be more cautious and considerate upon entering, especially since Dean’s left this one for last and Sam can tell his brother’s conflicted about it, but he’s still in flight mode, so when he reaches the door he yanks it open without hesitation.

Another office, this one decorated with cheesy Valentine’s Day decorations.

Once inside, Sam’s able to catch his breath and he calms down a bit. He knows they aren’t safe, but it feels safer than sprinting through the mist, nothing in sight in any direction.

He’s even able to feel amused at the cheap decorations on the walls.

Up ahead of them is a reception desk, as expected. This one has many vases of roses and other flowers on the top.

Before Sam approaches he notices that this office looks smaller than the others. He can’t see the whole thing, but he can tell. And it makes sense, Dean’s certainly had a lot fewer romantic interests than friends or strangers he’s saved or even people he considers family.

He doesn’t even see people milling about. He recognizes Cassie at one of the few desks but she’s the only one he can see from here in the entryway.

Sam walks forward, and once he can see past the flowers on the reception desk, he sees that the receptionist is Lisa.

Sam had figured Lisa would be the guardian of this place, and if not her then Cassie. It’s supposed to be the person Dean loves the most romantically, or maybe the person he’s loved the most romantically. And Sam can’t think of who he’s romantically loved more than those two.

“Hi, Sam.” Lisa greets Sam as he approaches the desk. From here, he can also see a young blonde woman in the back who Sam doesn’t recognize. Probably someone Dean knew while Sam was off at college.

He also notices Bela Talbot. Because of course. Sam rolls his eyes and hopes she isn’t the head honcho here.

“Give me a minute” Lisa says as she grabs her phone, and Sam realizes he zoned out and missed the conversation, probably just Cas explaining that they’re here for the heart.

Sam tries to refocus.

“Sam and Cas are here. They want to talk about taking the heart, I guess they need it to help Dean… Okay I’ll bring them over.” Lisa hangs up and smiles up at them as she stands. “Follow me.” She tells them.

She walks toward a closed door at the side of the office, and Sam and Cas follow behind.

She knocks twice on the door and opens before getting a reply, then ushers Sam and Cas in.

Sam stops at the threshold upon seeing Castiel sitting at the desk in the office.

Sam turns around to see the real Castiel still standing there, squinting in confusion at the projection of himself. Then he turns back to Psyche-Castiel. Then back to real Castiel, who’s no longer squinting in confusion and now looks more like a dear caught in the headlights. Sam doesn’t think he’s ever seen that look on Cas’s face before.

“Uh…” Sam says as he finally walks into the room. “Has there been some sort of mistake? We already saw you at the friends place… This is for Dean’s romantic interests.”

“I’m in the right place.” Psyche-Castiel tells them. “I’m Dean’s best friend but he’s also in love with me so I’m the guardian of both hearts.” And okay, that’s a massive bomb that he just dropped super casually.

“Oh.” Is all Sam can say.

Sam generally likes to think he knows Dean and can read him pretty well. And sure, he’d thought of Dean’s and Cas’s relationship as a bromance, he even teased him about the whole Destiel thing.

He didn’t see this coming though.

Dean’s _in love_ with Cas!? Like _in love_ in love.

But now memories flash through Sam’s mind. Dean and Cas sharing flirtatious smiles. Dean completely breaking down each time Cas died. How much he hated Jack because of it. The looks that were a little too intense, the hugs that lasted a little too long, the way they stood a little too close to each other. Sam always thought it was just that Cas didn’t understand personal space, but now it occurs to Sam that Dean had stopped moving away when Cas stood too close; Dean sometimes leans closer even.

Okay, and yeah Dean hasn’t expressed real interest in anyone in a long time. He’s been having a lot fewer random hookups.

The looks loaded with affection and something else that Sam never paid much mind to.

Holy crap. Dean’s in love with Cas!

Sam’s still shocked, but also feels incredibly foolish for not noticing before.

At this point Sam notices that somewhere along the way, he and Cas have ended up sitting in chairs in front of Psyche-Cas’s desk. He doesn't remember how that happened but it's the least of his concerns right now.

And okay, now Sam understands why Dean didn’t want them coming here.

It finally occurs to Sam to see how Cas is taking this news.

Sam turns to look at his friend, but whereas before Sam saw his face changing from confused to whatever that shocked look was, Cas’s face is now completely closed off, carefully crafted to reveal none of his feelings or thoughts.

Sam wished he’d seen more before Cas closed up.

“We’re here for the heart.” Cas tells Psyche-Cas.

“I’m not giving it to you.”

“What?” Sam asks. Now snapping back into action after the revelation about his brother. “He’s literally you.”

“It’s not mine to give; I’m merely the heart’s guardian and Dean doesn’t want to give it to anyone.” How can Dean simultaneously trust Cas to guard the heart but also doesn't trust Cas with it?

“Not even to you?”

“He’s not me, Sam.” Cas reminds him.

“Fine,” Sam corrects himself and asks Psyche-Cas again, “not even to Cas?”

Psyche-Cas looks between Sam and Cas before settling back on Sam. “Especially not to Cas.”

“Dean’s in love with him and Dean trusts him to guard his heart. How can Dean ‘especially not’ be willing to give it to him?”

“ _Because_ Dean’s in love with me.” Psyche-Cas tell Sam like he’s an idiot. “Sam, you must understand that giving someone you’re in love with your heart can destroy you.” Now Psyche-Cas seems angry. He gets louder and his tone sharper. “And with how often I die? What do you think that would do to him?” Psyche-Cas gives Sam a moment to really think about it. How destroyed he was after Jess died. And Sam does understand. He understands perfectly why Dean might guard that part of his heart to protect himself. “Dean hasn’t allowed himself to give this part of his heart to me, and yet, he’s _still_ destroyed whenever I die. If he allowed himself to, and then I perished? Sam…” He looks into Sam’s eyes, full of emotion and begging him to understand. “I couldn’t take it.” And in that moment, Sam knows Dean is speaking, not his projection of Cas. That’s actually Dean talking to him.

But then Psyche-Cas quickly straightens back up and continues. “Lest we forget all of the other issues.”

Just then, both Cas and Psyche-Cas tense and become alert. They look in the direction of the main door.

“Michael.” Cas states, alerting Sam that he’s here.

Psyche-Cas stands and crosses to the door to his office. He locks the door and lowers the blinds.

He quietly asks Sam and Cas, “You have the other five hearts, correct?” Sam nods.

“Good.” He then sits down at his desk. “Lisa might let Michael in; she doesn’t know any better. But Michael can’t get through that door if it’s locked. We’ll be safe here.” There’s a crashing sound outside. Sam doesn’t feel as safe as he’d like.

Cas leans over to reassure Sam, “The door’s lock is just another manifestation of more abstract safeguards preventing his entering. Michael cannot get through unless Dean unlocks the door. It’s similar with the blinds.” Cas points at them. “Michael can’t hear or see anything that’s happening in here. He can sense my presence, but outside of that he won’t know anything.”

“He can’t hurt you or take the pieces of Dean’s heart from you.” Psyche-Cas chimes in. Well, that’s great and all but it’s all still useless if they can’t reach Dean.

Sam points this out: “But we can’t talk to Dean unless you give us the last piece.”

“No, you can’t.” Psyche-Cas agrees. “So you won’t." Of course Dean's being a stubborn idiot about this. "But you can escape. You can leave Dean’s mind and leave the pieces with me for safekeeping. Once you leave I can safely return them to their proper offices.”

“If we don’t talk to Dean, he’ll stay buried in Michael while he destroys the world.”

“You’ll find another way.”

“You’re being selfish.” Sam tells him, fully knowing that he’s long beyond talking to Dean’s projection of Cas and instead trying to talk directly to his brother. “You’re so afraid of getting hurt that you’ll let Michael destroy the world!?”

“Michael won’t destroy the world. You’ll find another way that doesn’t require me giving you this piece of Dean’s heart. It’ll destroy him.”

“Michael will destroy him!”

“Dean has trusted me to protect this heart, to protect him.” Psyche-Castiel’s voice rings with finality and power, anger and righteous fury. But Sam’s not going to give up.

“So protect him by helping us defeat Michael.”

“I can’t do that for you, Sam.” And Psyche-Castiel looks genuinely regretful. Like he _wants_ to give the heart but he _can’t_.

“Dean,” Cas says, even as he looks at himself. “I know you can’t. I understand because I can’t either.” Sam’s mind hones in on that statement, pausing on it but not quite understanding. “But it doesn’t matter what you can or can’t do. Because you _need_ to. We need you to. _I_ need you to.” He leans forward and takes Psyche-Castiel’s hands in his own on the desk. And yeah, it looks like Cas’s body, but Sam can feel Dean in there. Some deep down part of Dean looking at Cas, anchored by their eyes locking and their hands touching.

“I want you to. Dean I… I want.” Okay and Sam really wishes Michael wasn’t outside, because Sam is definitely intruding here and he wishes he could leave the room. “And it may destroy you if I die. But I always come back, Dean. I always come back to you. And you will hurt, but you taught me that some things are worth the pain.” Cas’s eyes are so full of emotions and memories, and Cas is instantly reminded of Cas’s long journey from being a hammer of God.

“I fell from grace for you, and I gave up everything for you. And it hurt, Dean. But it was worth it. It was worth it because… because I love you. Because I’m in love with you.” Sam’s sure he’s tomato red and also shocked all over again. Jesus, Cas is in love with Dean too? These two idiots are in love with each other and… okay it’s a little bit weird since they’re both family to Sam and he didn’t know any of this an hour ago. But holy crap they’re in love with each other. They could be happy together. If they can get past all this Michael crap they could actually be happy.

“Dean, I gave up everything for you, and I would choose that every single time. Falling for you is the best decision I’ve ever made. So please, I know you can’t, but I need you to do this for me.”

Psyche-Cas stares at Castiel, face breaking. And Sam can only stare because even though he's wearing Cas's face, all Sam can see is Dean.

And then Psyche-Cas pulls his hands away swiftly, turns in his chair and buries his head in his hands.

And Sam feels himself deflating.

Until he looks back at the real Castiel, and sees the shard resting in his hand that was not there before he held Psyche-Cas’s hands.

Psyche-Cas stands, but doesn’t face them.

“I’ll leave you two be to summon and talk to Dean. You’ll all still be safe in here from Michael and he still won’t be able to hear or see you.” And with that, Psyche-Castiel disappears with the sound of wingbeats.

As soon as he’s gone Cas turns to Sam.

“Sam,” The vulnerability and emotion is gone from Cas’s face and voice. He is once again closed off, though his facade is not as tight as last time. Sam can tell he’s having trouble holding it all in. “Dean will not remember any of what has happened thus far. We’ve been interacting with a very deep level of Dean’s psyche that he’s not conscious of. But he’ll remember when we talk to him now.”

“Alright.” Sam nods. That’s good to know.

“Neither of us will ever mention to Dean what has transpired here.” Sam certainly agrees with some of that. But…

“But you’re still going to tell him you, you love him, you’re in love with him, right?” It feels weird to say aloud. Sam hadn’t expected these sorts of bombs to drop today.

“No. And you won’t tell him either.”

“Cas… He loves you back. You… Now that you know, why wouldn’t you tell him?”

“When I told Dean that I understand why he can't, because I can't either, I meant it.”

“But why can’t you? You just convinced Dean that he can, so why can’t you?”

“It’s different.”

“No it isn’t.”

“It is, Sam.”

“How!?”

“It just is!” Castiel yells at him. He then turns away from Sam, and sighs in frustration. Sam allows Cas to stew and think in silence.

When Cas turns back toward Sam, gone is the stony, blank face. Cas looks overwhelmed with emotion, too many for Sam to read. But he can tell how much Cas feels.

“I made a deal.” And yeah, Sam’s heard that a lot in his life, sometimes from his own mouth, and it’s never good.

“What was it?”

“When I went to heaven to save Jack. What I didn’t tell you was that the cosmic entity that rules over the Empty came for him.” Cas sighs and looks off into space at the memory. “Being that he’s part angel, the entity felt it had a claim on him. I made a deal, for it to take me instead. But instead of taking me right then and there, the entity wanted me to suffer. It told me it will come for me when I’ve forgotten about it, when I finally allow myself to be happy.”

“Cas…” Sam doesn’t know what to say to that. That’s a really horrible deal. But Sam knows he would have done the same to save Jack from going to the Empty. He knows that. And he knows Cas would make the same decision every time.

“I’m at peace with my decision, Sam. I don’t regret saving Jack.”

“I know… I would have done the same thing.”

“So I hope you understand why we can’t tell Dean about any of this.” Yeah. Because if Cas allows himself this he’ll die. He will literally die if he allows himself happiness.

Sam nods, silent for a few moments as he processes all of this. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I didn’t want you to worry about me. And I don’t expect the entity to collect any time soon. This life is many things, but it is rarely happy.”

“We’ll find a way to get you out of that deal, Cas. We can help you.” Cas shoots him a skeptical, almost annoyed look. “You can be happy, but you have to let us help you.”

“The deal is binding.”

“A deal’s only binding until it isn’t.” Sam retorts. Cas doesn't respond again right away, but he maintains eye contact with Sam the whole time.

“If I get out of it, the entity will collect Jack instead and I will not allow that to happen.”

“I promise, we won’t do anything unless we’re sure Jack is safe.” Cas still doesn’t seem convinced. “Let us help you.”

“We should discuss this later. After we talk with Dean.” Sam knows Cas is trying to avoid the subject, but he’s also right.

“Yeah. Yeah Okay. But we’re talking about this after we get out of here.”

Cas agrees as they take out their shards to put together Dean’s heart. Sam’s learned a lot today, and he’ll be thinking about all of this a lot. But before any of that, before he even starts thinking about saving Cas so he and Dean can be happy, they have to save Dean from Michael.

 


End file.
